bijou

barely noticeable
in this age of extravagance
jaded and delicate
ornate, yet plain
underneath i hold treasure

beyond anything you could possibly
imagine.
just be patient
only wait
until i open up for you.

© soledad evans (2006)

faith

fearlessly
attempting the almost
impossible
task of blind, yet
hopeful belief.

forgetting
about that which
inevitably leads
to debilitating
hesitance.

finally
accepting that reality
is immaterial
to the substance of things
hoped for.

© soledad evans (2006)

astound

Awesome Wonder,
Son of God,
Tender Saviour,
Our Waymaker,
Unto Thee now i give praise.
New-life Giver, whose
Death was the supreme sacrifice

Amazed i stand,
Struck silent in Your presence.
The Way, Truth and Life,
Omiscient One, You
Understand my thoughts and
New mercies extend
Day after day.

Alpha! You are the
Start of my faith
Taking me through life's winding path.
Omega! You are the
Ultimate end, 'til i just want to be
Near You and nearer still, please
Draw me to Your side.

© soledad evans (2006)

erstwhile

Evenings like this, I'm
Reminded we once shared
Something sweet,
Times I thought
Would never end--
How could I have been so foolish?
I watch rain beat down blossom and
Leaf, knowing they will soon wither and fade.
Everything even­tu­ally dies.

© merkaba (2004)

the music man

i love to watch your musician's hands
the way they
caress the keys
(how i wish it was me!)
they way they
pluck the strings
makes my heart sing.
the way they
hold the stick
makes me want to...

um...

watch your musician's mouth
the way it
holds each note
(now, i'm starting to float)
the way it
releases song
harmonious and strong
the way it incites bliss
'til i just want to...

um...

love your musician's soul
the way it
feels the beat
(i think i'm in heat)
the way it
senses rhyme
through space and time
the way it
gives its all
causing me to...

um..

fall
in love
with you.

© soledad evans (2006)

how can i tell?

how can i tell
that you love me
when you
NEVER
say it
or
show it?
how can i tell
that you care about me
when you
NEVER
ask about my day
or
listen when i offer to tell you?
how can i tell
that you want me
when you
NEVER
look at me with
that desire
that desires me?
how can i tell
that you'll be there for me
when you
NEVER
stay
but
always leave?
how can i tell
that you need me
when you
NEVER
rely on me
or
fight to keep me?

maybe
you don't...

© soledad evans (2006)

God is great and i am not...

i'm sitting here at my desk, listening to israel and new breed, researching case law for my newest brief and crying at the same time. hoo-rah for multi-tasking, right? but i'm crying because i'm thinking of how great God is and how much the opposite of that i am.

i messed up yesterday...bad. and i know that God is willing and able to forgive me, but i'm wondering now why He would want to. if i were Him (and i note that i am not), i would have long since cut me off because i just don't listen! you ever get fed up with someone that you keep bailing out of the same situations? don't you just get to a point where you want to wash your hands of that person and say, look, you do it again and you are on your own. don't come crying to me! well, that's what i would do. but God does not do that. why? because He is great and i am not.

time and time and time and time again i fail Him. in every miserable, possible way imaginable, i fail Him. and yet His mercy endures forever. yet, He is ever faithful. yet, He is ever loving. yet, He is ever forgiving.

in times like this, i think about the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus (esp. now in the lenten season), and i think, who am i that God would even do this for me, knowing that i would continue to make the same mistakes like some kind of spiritual lunatic?! but God is great and i am not...

can i do anything but thank Him? no...because i am SO undeserving of His love, grace, mercy and, yes, favour! despite my shortcomings and monumental failures, i am still blessed and highly favoured of God. why would He continue to be so good to me? i don't know except to say that God is great and i am not...

so i'm sitting at my desk, listening to music, researching, crying and now typing this blog, with one thought playing over and over again in my mind like a mantra: God is great and i am not...God is great and i am not...

sometimes my eyes betray me

sometimes my eyes betray me
and anyone who looks in them
can see
what's really going on inside.
behind the smile.
and the jokes.
and the games.
in the silence,
where truth lives.

© soledad evans (2006)

what man are you?

dear "certain someone,"

i started today with a thought of you...and so far nothing has changed. knowing me i'll end the day exactly as i started it...this is for you...


what man are you that i should weep,
spend countless nights at odds with sleep
and desperate, fight your love to keep
for all eternity?

what man are you that i should ask
to do the vilest servant's task
in hopes one day you will, at last
bring your love to me?

what man are you when i can say
many more will come my way
and for my love will fervent pray
and long for only me?

what man you are i know right well
one who's trapped me 'neath a spell
for whose love i'd suffer hell
and do so willingly.

© soledad evans (2001)

stolen glances

i see the way
you look at me
when you think
i'm not watching.
and truth be told,
i like it.

you watch my mouth
as i speak
or smile
or don't.

you watch my hips
as they sway
when i walk
or don't.

i like the desire
i see
in your eyes
when you look at me
when you think
i'm not watching.

can you see
the desire in mine
when i look at you?

© soledad evans (2006)

taking responsibility

okay, so while i understand that our lives are shaped as much by external forces as by our own will and determination...more or less...at what point do we stop resting on our laurels and take responsibility for our own actions?

as an infant, toddler, youngster, tween, teen and even young adult, most of our peccadillos have been dismissed by our age or lack of maturity or some combination of the two. it's easy to forgive a baby for manipulating a parent into giving him/her attention by crying. after all, the baby is a baby. at that stage, the entire world revolves around him/her. and nothing else matters.

but guess, what! part of growing up is learning that the objective world does not revolve around us individually. (i typed "objective" since there are those, myself included, who would argue that their world does revolve around them because it's their world and they are the center of it. i think that's true, but i'm now dealing with the world in which we ALL live). you know what? things don't always go our way. some stuff just doesn't make sense. people do not always react the way that we want them to, treat us the way that we want them to...even more shocking is that people may not show love the way we think they should. does it mean they love us any less? for some, maybe...but others, no.

don't get me wrong. i'm not saying that we can't have expectations of how things should work out. that's not it at all. of course, we should want, wish, hope, pray things work out a certain way. here's the kicker, though. we shouldn't be surprised (or worse yet, depressed and angry)when they don't. to have negative reactions (i mean, exclusively negative reactions because after all who wouldn't be even a little miffed) when things don't go the way we envisioned they should is to react with the petulence of a child. a young child at that. that's just not the way life works.

i said all of that to say...the negative things in our life happen. a jus' suh life guh (c'est la vie, for those who prefer the french...that's life, in english). yes, external forces--be they people, situations, the laws of physics--will always impact us. yes, even negatively. we're humans. it happens. but at what point do we tuck in that pouting, bottom lip, un-cross our arms, un-cringe our eyebrows, dry our streaming tears and say, hey, while i cannot be responsible for my parents, the insurgency in iraq or the earth's gravitational pull on my rather ginormous thighs, i can be responsible for my role in my current predicament.

so what if they told you that you didn't have what it takes to finish school? slap them in their smug faces with graduation, summa cum laude. so what if they told you that you'd never get married because you're fat? shut their mouths when you buy the most flattering outfit, walk with your head up and because of your confidence have men falling over themselves to talk to you. so what if they said you'd never amount to anything? make them eat their words when they have to come to you, body-bowed and humble-hearted for assistance.

take responsibility (see invictus). your life is your own...the Bible says that we must work out our own salvation with fear and trembling...remember on judgment day, God doesn't care about external forces. He cares about what you did with the time you were given.

earning ten points (a play in one act)

me - haydn rhys
advising friend - k20
pw - proprietor of barber shop

Scene 1

(me in car, stuck in afternoon rush hour traffic, heading towards the barbershop, which is located in the opposite direction of home)

me: i think i will go to the barber shop...i mean, what is the worst that could happen? (thinking: he could say get out of my face you great, ugly waste of flesh!) nah...maybe i shouldn't go.

(me picks up phone and calls advising friend)

advising friend: hello?

me: okay, so i'm on my way to the barbershop...

advising friend: that's great. so you're gonna give him your number?

me: allegedly. but i have changed my mind about a million times already.

advising friend: just do it! what's the worst that could happen?

me: (pauses and remembers previous thought) well--

advising friend: just do it! walk in and say, "hi, i saw you in the parking lot yesterday and you know if you're unattached at the moment here's my number give me a call sometime." then turn around and walk out.

me: you're gonna have to be on the phone with me when i do this...you know that, right?

advising friend: you can't walk in there with the phone to your ear.

me: no, i meant just be there on speaker. that way if i know you're there i will be so scared of you calling me a punk that i will have to do it.

advising friend: okay.

(me reaches the parking lot where pw's shop is located.)

me: oh my gosh! i think i see his truck. and there's people in the barbershop. okay, i'm going in.

advising friend: okay. let me know what happens.

(advising friend hangs up. me looks at phone and thinks: wasn't she supposed to stay with me?!)

Scene 2

(me opens the door to the barbershop, sees other patrons and barbers. also sees pw in the front trimming a young man's head.)

me: (voice shaking) um, hi.

pw: hi, how are you?

me: fine, thanks.

pw: can i help you?

me: um, i was just getting a card. and i was going to ask if you trimmed kids because my nephew needs a new barber, but as there are kids here, i will assume the answer is yes.

pw: (laughing and nodding his head) yeah, we do.

me: (looking at card) p's place? so you're p?

pw: yeah.

me: cool. okay, bye.

(me quickly exits)

Scene 3

me: i'm such a punk!

advising friend: (laughing) what?

me: i'm such a punk!

advising friend: aw man. i just knew that you went in there said what you had to say, handed him your number, turned on your heel, flashed your weave and sashayed outta there.

me: um, have we met? how could you possibly think that i would have done that? there were so many people in there. i did get his card, though.

advising friend: okay, how about you go back when the shop is closed, but he's still there. less pressure.

me: okay.

Scene 4

(me is pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of p's place)

me: okay, there are still a ton of folks in there!

advising friend: can he see you lurking outside the window?

me: no, i don't think so.

advising friend: okay, well just go in and hand him your number and walk back out.

me: um, can't i just call him? i have his business card.

advising friend: okay, do that and call me right back.

(advising friend hangs up and me dials the shop number).

pw: hello?

me: hello, good evening, may i speak with pw, please?

pw: who's calling?

me: um, you don't know me. i was in there a few minutes ago. i picked up a card and said i had a nephew who needed a haircut.

pw: oh yeah. yes, ma'am.

me: (speaking almost faster than the human mind can process language) okay, so here's the thing. i don't really have a nephew. the truth is that i got my nails done at the nail salon next door to your shop yesterday. as i was leaving i saw you in the parking lot and thought you looked intriguing, so i came back today to talk to you and inquire as to whether you were attached or unattached. and if unattached, i would give you my number so we could talk some time. but there were a lot of people in there so i lost my nerve.

pw: oh...wow. thank you so much, but, um, i'm...engaged.

me: (obviously disappointed) oh. cool. (hastily adding) well, have a good day.

(me hangs up.)

Scene 5

(me in her car again stuck in afternoon rush hour traffic, but this time on her way home.)

me: (sighing) he's engaged.

advising friend: really?

me: yeah. but i did call, right?

advising friend: yes, you did. you get ten points...

EL FIN

as for the ides...

...i survived.

the ides

by the way, i don't know if you've noticed but today is the ides of march. in the past few years i have not had the best of luck on this day. i'm not superstitious, but it just seems to work out that way. nothing tragic has happened...(i'm resisting the urge to type "yet"). and hopefully, nothing tragic will happen.

tune in tomorrow...

2 weeks

lent started two weeks ago...i have managed not to have any fast food (though, i really want a french fry) and i have managed to stay away from "certain someone" (er, for the most part...see previous posts).

i do have to say that by far this has been the most fulfilling lenten season i have ever endured. and i'm only two weeks into it. thanks be to God that He is faithful even when i am not.

to "certain someone"

i'm tired. just plain spent. it is exhausting fighting a losing battle, struggling to hold on to something i never really had in the first place. you. you said you loved me and i believed you. but i never really had your love, did i? i've always known it, but i let myself believe what you said because that's what i wanted. and in a way, i don't blame you. you didn't know you were lying. you really thought you loved me...and who knows maybe you do. but the point is that you can't love me like i deserve to be loved.

so i'm going to open my hand and realise that my tight fist held only air...not you. never you.

at least you have the assurance of knowing something that i only ever hoped to be true...you always had me.

in my solitude

i alone stand in this skin
looking through wary eyes
letting very little in
cautious of my own demise

i alone sit in these thoughts
passing judgments like breaths
counting half the world for naught
dying daily little deaths

i alone dwell in this state
of turbulent distress
learning what it means to wait
on God, accepting nothing less

i alone must live within
this skin, these thoughts, this state
and be the me i am again
'til time wipes clean my slate.

© soledad evans (2006)

white girl trapped in black woman's body?

just about all my life, i have been told that i acted white, or talked white or worse yet was white. now, while there is absolutely nothing wrong with being white, it is not the easiest thing for me to accept being born a black female to black parents on a predominantly black island.

ever since i was little, i LOVED to read. i do not remember at what age i started reading. i just know that i could not get enough of books growing up. i am still that way now (to a lesser extent, though). but my love for books helped shape who i am today. while reading, i became familiar with different phrasing and vernacular and manners of speaking than what i was used to hearing in my environment. in school (like everyone else), i was taught proper grammar. at home, my parents stressed it. enunciation and grammar were a must in my household. it became the norm, rather than the exception.

my love for reading and words and phrases was extended to music. i began to listen to songs for their lyrics and not just for the beat. because of my love for the written word and unusual turns of phrase, i gravitated towards lyricists like the indigo girls and other indie, folksy groups because of the way they expressed exactly what i was feeling in a poetic way (e.g. when i was obsessed with a guy: "oh you set up your place in my thoughts, moved in and made my thinking crowded." or when i wanted to make a relationship work: "nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal, so to let this love survive would be the greatest gift that we could give."). sure, the artists were white, but i like what i like.

in high school, i was in a magnet program. most of the kids in the program were white and i was accused of being a house negro (the mild form) because i was in the program, striving to make good grades and to better myself overall.

now, i'm an adult and i still cannot get away from it. one friend told me that i am a "zip-off" black woman. i guess that means that in the morning before i leave my house, i put on my "black woman" suit, zip it up and leave for the day. then i get back home and zip it off. another friend recently told me that perhaps i should consider dating white guys because i'm not the blackest black woman in the world. even "certain someone" has told me time and again that i will marry a white man because i am not black enough for a black man to want me.

and as much as i express to people how much those comments hurt me (not that there's anything wrong with white people), my friends and loved ones just won't stop. why can't black people have more than one opinion? why can't black people like more than one kind of music? why can't black people speak proper english and not be accused of "talking white"?

the sad thing is that no matter what my black people think of me, in the eyes of a racist, i am still a n------. the fact that i love shakespeare, can quote indigo girls songs and default to the queen's english doesn't mean much because the colour of my skin won't change. i will always just be a black girl in eyes of white people...

but i don't really like r&b and i thought the latest madea movie was just "ok" and i almost never let my participles dangle, so, of course, off with my head. i can't possibly be black.

why i care what people think is a mystery to me. but i do. so i'm near tears because i won't ever be "black" enough for the most important people in my life to accept me. they will always see me as a white girl trapped in a black woman's body...

Jehovah Jireh

...the Self-Existing One Who Provides...

God really came through for me in a mighty way. He sent people in my way that have pledged to help me to get what i need to resolve my situation...

How GREAT is my God?!

valleys low...

so this is the end of a rather difficult week. with the news that i just received from the florida bar, i don't know what is going to happen. i have less than a week to come up with $3000. i am praying and having faith in God that all will work out for my good. as i was praying a couple of nights ago, i have so much to thank Him for already that even if He doesn't work this out the way that i might want Him to, i will still praise Him because praise is what i do.

also, i spent a little time with "certain someone" yesterday. nothing happened (thank God), but it made me realize that i cannot spend any time with him at all. i saw a pic of him with his siblings and i didn't recognize him at first. he looked AMAZING. not that he doesn't look amazing now, but back then he was all muscle bound and in shape. i thought about that pic all day. i dreamt about that pic all night. so i woke up and prayed that God would remove any feelings and desires that i might have for him because i cannot keep going there with him.

on the bright side, i am wearing a pair of jeans that i bought a year and a half ago, but could NEVER fit into...they look good on me too. a half an inch of each thigh would make them look better (that and if i took the pants in at the waist a little bit, maybe an inch).

valleys low...i'm going to trust in Him, though...this is the "year of manifest" and God will make a way for me to overcome these situations...even if i have to go through them.

simplicity

a simple look
a simple smile
a simple thought
lingers a while

a simple touch
a simple glance
a simple hope
for one more chance

a simple act
a simple plea
a simple love
for eternity

my simple heart
is simply true
it simply beats
for simply you.

© soledad evans (2006)

problems?

on sunday the preacher in the midday service told us that problems in our lives are there for specific reasons, whether to guide us or perfect us...

a problem came up yesterday that will potentially affect whether i will be able to keep my job...actually, it could affect my career on a whole. i want to be sad. i want to cry about it. but i cannot and will not. this problem is only a light affliction.

the "God squad" and i declared this to be the "manifest year." already things are beginning to manifest in our lives. all we have to do is to continue to look ahead to see the hand of God at work in our lives...

this problem is only here to perfect me...may we all be able to see our problems as stepping stones to higher heights...

for "certain someone"

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

--ee cummings

somewhere in between

today finds me somewhere in between contentment and agitation...in more than one aspect of my life.

i went on the scale on saturday evening and found out that i am 13 pounds lighter than i was at the end of january. i didn't even realize that i had dropped as much weight as that. i am now only four pounds heavier than i was when i graduated high school. thanks be to God for small achievements. and while i am happy with my accomplishments thus far (i have lost around 45lbs) and happy with the looks of approval from my parents and friends (and even from "certain someone"), i am painfully aware that i have 20 lbs to go (i was overweight in hs)...so it's time to increase cardio and weight training so that i don't fall into that evil plateau that all dieters get to...

yesterday was an awesome worship day. it started with my family devotion in which my father gave two prayers of thanksgiving (normally he only does one). it was just a time in which i could truly reflect on the goodness of God and let it wash over me. then at church, both services were good...the worship in the midday service was exceptional...the minister of music began playing agnus dei as a time filler, but as he played, the anointing of God descended on his fingers and it was like God Himself was playing on the keyboard...hallelujah, for the Lord God Almighty reigns...but then evening service came around, and while the worship was still wonderful, i found myself unable to participate in the communion service because my mind kept going back to "certain someone"...so i know that while i am not where i used to be, i still have a long way to go...

all in all i can say that i am truly thankful today. the fact that i recognize that i am somewhere in between means that i can do something about my situation...contentment and agitation both serve a purpose...i just pray that one day soon i can get to where i need to be...instead of just floating somewhere in between...

difficult day

so, no...i have NOT contacted "certain someone," but i do miss the dickens out of him. i wish he would call me...anyways, this is for him...

um...

i want to um...
drink you up whole
and let you invade my soul
let you reach every part
let you infect my heart.

i want to um...
walk by your side
and to, um, be your bride
and to share all your wealth
nurse you back to health.

i want to um...
support you constantly,
throughout eternity
be the wind beneath your wings
the music your heart sings.

i want to um...
be everything you need
a mother to your seed
and even when you're gone
to love you like the sun...

to love you like the sun...

to, um, love you...

© soledad evans (2005)

lent

so, today is ash wednesday...i've decided to give up fast food and a certain someone. so far, i've eaten no fast food...but "certain someone" did call me...to be fair, he called my work phone and i don't have caller id on that...what was i to do? just let it ring? we didn't talk long...so i don't think it counts...i mean, i didn't call him, right?

i just want to be right. i was praying this morning (you should know by now that i fast on wednesdays) and i was thanking God for His goodness and just praying to be right. it's harder than one might imagine. being right cuts against everything that i would do naturally...but God...

so this lenten season, instead of just sacrificing something (or someone), i will make a conscious, concerted effort to be right. for all He has done for me, He deserves at least that...

i'll let you know how it goes...