la di di

excuse me, but i wanna be your melody
you know, that annoying little la di di
that plays over and over again
in your head
when you go to bed
and when you awake
for heaven's sake
la di di
la di di
sorry baby,
you can't get rid of me!

i want to be that line in that song
you know, the one you haven't heard in so long
but when you do it brings back memories so strong
and it feels like coming home
like coming home
like coming...

i want to be your sweet inspiration
you know, the one you get when you feel the vibration
of a rhythm
but i wanna make you move your feet
to my beat.
i wanna make you make melodies
and harmonies
join symphonies,
make lyrical heaven descend
make space and time suspend
until we transcend
this life to be
each other's melody
la di di
la di di
la...

© soledad evans (2006)

the year of manifest

some time late december, the "God squad" and i called 2006 the year of manifest. based on that i began to write my vision for this year as per habakkuk 2:2-3. one of the things on my list that i needed God to manifest in my life was the whole size 10 by easter thing. and thanks be to God...

but something a little less aesthetic and more important was my admission to the florida bar. i have prayed over it, agonized over it, cried over it...and (though i'm ashamed to admit) given up on it more times than i care to mention. but God is ever-faithful. so here's my announcement, as of today at 2:45 p.m., i will officially be ESQUIRE!

so now, i, like david, will bless the Lord at ALL times...His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

and as for my list: two down and seven to go...

just inside the threshold

when i was a kid, i romanticized adulthood, like most kids do. i thought that money was something that you were just issued like a stipend on a weekly basis and that work was some place they kept the grownups while the kids were in school. i thought that marriage was something that automatically happened when you reached a certain age and that kids automatically came right after. i thought all adults had life easy because they were autonomous and lazy (which meant we kids did all the grunt work).

now that i am standing just inside the threshold of adulthood, i realise how wrong i was. money is not handed out like a stipend. not really. you have to work hard for it. and there are a million haters that try to keep money and me apart. bills, student loans, old cars with windows that roll down only sometimes and never at your command...GAS!!!

i realise that work is something you have to truly enjoy or else every day of your life will begin with the overwhelming feeling of impending torture. there's almost nothing worse than HATING your job.

marriage (as you can see from previous posts) is NOT automatic. quick story: i called my dad with some good news yesterday. i told him to guess what it was. and he said, with an audible smile, "haydn rhys is getting married." and i thought, wow! he hasn't even heard me mention anyone (i do NOT talk about certain someone). how did he get there? so i asked why he went immediately to marriage. and he responded, quite innocently, "well you told me to take a guess." so i just shook my head and said, "well, at least now i know what you pray for every morning!"

anyways, as much as i've heard people say this, i never realised how true it really is: i wish i knew then what i know now. i would have learned to ride a bike, i would have enjoyed the playground more, i would have milked my financial dependency for all it was worth. i would have better prepared myself for what awaited me just inside the threshold.

incidentally...

...lent is over and at least i managed to stay away from fast food. "certain someone" was another story. and i did reach my goal of wearing a size 10 suit to church yesterday. yay!

on being a single woman

i was talking with a friend of mine this morning and she was talking about how getting married was her goal. as i listened, in my mind i harkened back to a time when she could not care less if she never married or if she had a marriage that records books would applaud. and all i could think was, what happened to bring about this change? then suddenly, it hit me. she is at the age now that i was when i got the itch to be married. but why does it really hit you during the mid to late 20s? i'm not certain, but here's what i can come up with:

1. companionship: there are just some times when your girls, though you love them, do not provide the companionship that you crave. i'm not talking about sex, either. i just mean being able to sit down and have a conversation with a man and hang out in his presence. there are times when i just want to have a man talking to me before i go to sleep. and i don't mean talking dirty. it's just nice to have that deep, male voice and to know that he is totally into you and the feeling is mutual. to know that there is no one else in the world that he'd rather talk to or spend time with.

2. married men: there comes a time in every single woman's life when married men truly start to pick up her scent. and as much as the single woman may not be trifling (though some of us are) and may not want the attention, married men seem to like the challenge of pursuing a single woman and having her fall for him so that she is always available for the times when he and the wife are not on good terms (or when the wife is at the grocery store, as the case may be). having a husband helps to ward off this unwanted attention.

3. children: towards the late 20s any single woman who has aspirations of being a mother and is not yet one has trouble when she sees babies. her uterus starts to flip flop and do handstands because it wants desperately to be of some use. and if you're like me, anonymous sperm donors from websites are not really your thing. you want the whole nuclear family thing (but really only for the sake of the children because the husband is welcome to leave at his leisure as long as you have the kids).

4. familial pressures: after a certain age, without meaning to, family members (especially the older ones) start to give you that in-law look. then at family gatherings you get asked questions like, "so haydn rhys, there's no one where you work that interests you?" or "when am i going to eat some cake?" and then the inevitable suggestions follow: lose weight, wear makeup, stop wearing frumpy clothes, go out more, stay in more, learn to cook, learn to clean, learn to knit socks, take your car to the car wash, hang out in front of home depot with a pair of short shorts on and a sign that reads: husband wanted, please take an application! or maybe that's just my family.

5. married friends: they are the worst. unlike family members who try to rush you into marriage, they give you tortured and pitied looks whenever you're out with them without a significant other. they make it seem (without saying it, mind) like you are fundamentally flawed because they were able to pull off the rather impressive coup of tricking another into marriage. the fact that you as the single woman have been unable to do so is a total reflection of your shortcomings. so really, in this situation, you want to be married only to stop the looks.

there are various other reasons, but they will remain unsaid for another day.

as for me, i want to be married. i would love to be. i would be the proverbs 31 woman/wife/mother. i promise i would. but since the Bible says that he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing, i will wait here like a diamond in a mine, to be found.

like Christ loved the church?

(haydn rhys climbs up on a soap box and clears throat)...

the Bible commands that a man is to love his wife like Christ loved the church, no? of course! let's look at that logically. Christ, who is the second of the Trinity, came to this world in fleshly form in order to die for the sins of the world, raise up a church, keep it purified and present "her" before God as His bride. He gave His life for the church. that is His best. therefore, if we are to live according to God's command, men should be loving their wives to a point where she is given only the best because that is what Christ gave for us.

this is not a post about having a nice house or a really fancy car. this post is about how men treat their wives. in my recent jaunt into adulthood, i have seen more mistreatment of wives than i care to acknowledge. recently, one of my best friends in this world fell victim to this pandemic of wife mistreatment. the actions of her husband are not only not indicative of how Christ loved the church, but are diametrically opposed to it. as my recent posts have shown, God (and Christ, by extension) is LONG-SUFFERING. and even when we make mistakes, over and over again, He still loves us and still provides for us and still makes Himself accessible to us when we come to our senses. the husband in the aforementioned scenario, however, is not doing this. rather, he is dropping the ball on his responsibilities, turning tail and running away. imagine if Christ loved us like that. where would we be?

i know of other husbands who feed their wives insecurities about other women, by insisting on having only female friends and parading endless streams of women in front of their wives. yet, when Christ died, He made it clear that he did so only for us. it may not even have been His fleshly will, but nevertheless, His love for us caused Him to go all the way to calvary, endure the shame, and give His life. furthermore, His love is ever reassuring us that no matter what He will always be there for us, all we have to do is hold on to Him. yet, i know TOO MANY wives that are fighting like hell (if you'll excuse the expression) to rekindle relationships with husbands who are indifferent to their efforts. this should not be so! never once do we, as the bride of Christ, have to fight for His love. He loved us first!

as a single woman, the proliferation of the wife mistreatment pandemic is daunting. i won't even get into the down-low phenomenon, the incarcerated, the ambitionless...it's enough to make you want to remain single and adopt kids (and who knows, maybe that is God's will for this single woman?). but unless, men (and here i am ONLY talking about CHRISTIAN men) are willing to obey the word of God and live by its commands, Christian women are going to find it increasingly hard to submit themselves to their husbands as we are supposed to do.

(haydn rhys steps down off soap box and tucks it away for future use).

my peach tree

i am pregnant with purpose
i am more than you see
if you don't like my peaches
don't shake my tree

i know folks will whisper
and villify me
but if you don't like my peaches
don't shake my tree

'cause i'm blessed, highly favoured
by Christ's blood i am free
if you don't like my peaches
don't shake my tree

so i walk with head high
like i own all that i see
and if you don't like my peaches
quit shaking my tree!

© soledad evans (2006)

one sunday mawnin' (one sunday morning)

author's note: this poem is written in the jamaican patois dialect...it is meant to be read aloud.

Lawd, what a stress!
Yuh nuh see 'ow she dress?
Mek she 'affi come 'ere a wear dat?
She nuh know seh in church yuh mus' wear hat?
Pasta shoulda go talk to 'ar
Becaw she look like she a go a rum bar!
She mussi figget seh dis is a place of holiness
Where God's people come fi get bless.
But she look like summ'n weh yuh fin' outside,
No likkle presence, no likkle pride.
And look 'ow she a raise 'ar han' dem suh
Like a she one Jesus die fah!

But wait, mi rememba a time when me woulda bawl like dat
When me nevah care 'bout dress nor hat,
When di ongle ting me coulda do
Is give tanks to God fi all 'Im bring me t'rough.
So hear wha, mek she gwaan praise 'Im, yaw
Becaw God deserve di bes' , 'Im deserve we all!

© soledad evans (2006)

quixotic (because my sister made me!)

quivering with impatience,
untimely and rash, the
ideals i seek are like
xenon hidden in the atmosphere, yet
oddly, i am driven by a force beyond myself
to tirelessly pursue until,
impossible, though it may seem, i
catch those wretched windmills!

© soledad evans (2006)

lost coin

author's note: this acrostic was inspired by a parable in the Bible and a sermon that i heard last night. the scripture reference is Luke 15: 8-9.

LOST COIN

Lately life lazily lingers
Oppressive and overwhelming.
Seemingly something substantial
Tarries tantalizingly out of reach.

Cautiously and carefully with
One objective
I sweep and search for the
Nature and essence of the virtues I’ve lost.

© soledad evans (2006)

contrite

cast me not away
oh Lord, from Thy presence, for
new mercies i need to blot out my trangressions.
take not Thy Holy Spirit from me,
rather renew my mind and conform my will.
in Thee, Lord, will i place my
trust, only let me dwell with Thee
eternally.

cleanse my heart once again.
overwhelm me with Your lovingkindness and
never let me go.
today and always, i vow to live
righteously in Your sight.
instruct me from Your Word, so
that sin will no longer
exert its power over me.

© soledad evans (2006)

a prayer of the spiritually insane

dramatis personae

me - haydn rhys
God, Jesus, Holy Spirit - Jehovah God (the Self-Existing God)

Scene 1

(me in her room, kneeling by her bedside with contrite heart and broken spirit)

me: dear Lord and Heavenly Father--

God: (rolling eyes) here we go again... We have got to hear this...it's me...and she's "praying". Let us see what she wants.

me: humbly now before Your awesome presence i come--

God: hmm...so far so good...

me: recognising, Lord, that You are great and i am not--

God: continue...

me: once again, Lord, i have transgressed Your Word and acted contradictory to Your commands...

God: We're listening...

me: but God as much as i have messed up, i realise that while You know of my transgressions, You also know my heart.

God: We do.

me: so once again, i humbly ask for forgiveness. take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

God: We love you, me. We do. We understand that sometimes your flesh is weak and that you make mistakes, but We do know your heart. and We know that above all else you desire to please Us. You are forgiven. and We are giving you strength to continue this journey. do try not to make the same mistakes. and though, you have not asked for it, We are also providing for your needs, financial and otherwise. and for good measure, here is some favour with your bosses for that meeting you have in the morning that you have been dreading.

me: thank You, Lord, for Your mercies which are brand new with each morning.

God: they have to be because apparently you need it!

me: amen.

(me rises from her kneeling position, feeling renewed and able to concquer the world!)

God: she'll mess up again...and soon, too. but me is a woman after Our own heart. she sees her mistakes and accepts responsibility for them. We will continue to give her grace to face every new trial.

EL FIN

pillow talk?

perhaps tonight will be different.
if only things were the way they used to be.
loving you is not the same and
living with you gets harder each day, while
others seem to be attracting
wishful glances from me.

time after time, i
approach the point of
letting go and giving up,
knowing you feel the same.

© soledad evans (2006)

spiritual insanity

if the definition of insanity is "doing the same things the same way over and over again and expecting different results," then i am spiritually insane.

if you have read all (or even a good number) of the posts on this rather tortured blog, you will notice that i have struggled with a relationship for a while now. and as much i rise and greet each new morning with fresh resolve that i am going to do what's right in the sight of the Lord, usually by the afternoon i have already reverted to my old ways...and somehow i expect that the results will be different. somehow i think that if i do seemingly innocuous things, i will be able to avoid the deleterious consequences. i'm not sure why i think that, knowing that i have NEVER been able to avoid the deleterious consequences...so the only way to explain my behaviour is to diagnose myself as spiritually insane (hmmm...sounds like a sermon to me).

with that diagnosis in mind, it is time to treat the symptoms of my spiritual insanity in hopes of one day (soon, God-willing) restoring a right mind...the psalmist david knew what i'm talking about. if you read of his life in the Bible, you will see that he, too, was spiritually insane. time and time again, he failed, made mistakes, grieved God's heart...yet, he was called a man after God's own heart...amazing!

now, the only thing going through my mind is psalm 51 (check it out on bible.com). king david really felt me...and i'm really feeling him, right now.

"create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me" and above all else, "cast me not away from Thy presence oh Lord and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me..." i just need some more time to treat the symptoms of my spiritual insanity. then maybe, i can be whole again.

worship

waiting with expectancy
obedient to Your Word,
reverently, humbly, in
spirit and in truth, we
honour and extol You, Lord.
in all things and for all things, we give You
praise.

© soledad evans (2006)

eating alone

disclaimer: i had been planning to post this poem for quite some time now....it's something that was written a while back. a friend of mine posted a poem of similar title and subject. when i read hers i decided not to post this one...but then again, there are only so many ideas in the world right?

eating alone

curiously, the happy couples stare at the woman
who sips her soup while glancing
intermittently at the clock.
the women whisper and point with their eyes.
the men, less discreet, gesture openly with their hands.
a little snicker then a soft chuckle
as the happy couples make light of her loneliness.
the woman ignores or just seems to.
the pain in her heart wells up and spills out of her eyes.
nervously and therefore conspicuously,
she dabs her cheeks with her napkin.
suddenly, the waiter appears and nods
at the empty place setting across from her.
with no words at all, he accuses and condemns,
judging and sentencing with a simple tilt of the head.
each course passes in like fashion until--
the check.
in a desperate attempt at humour, she comments
as she hands the waiter his tip.
he forces a smile for her sake
and watches with pity as she walks towards the exit.
with a sigh, he begins to clear the table.
and out of respect for her, he handles the clean dishes
as though used.
outside, the woman straightens herself and walks away,
hoping her presence there will quickly be forgotten.

© soledad evans (2000)

Closure

ceasing all correspondence,
letting you
out of my
system, once and for all.
unsure of what comes next, yet
reassured that i made the right decision, i am
expectant.

© soledad evans (2006)