hmmm

upon further reflection, i really wish He had just honoured the initial request...guess i was being taught a lesson!

spoke too soon...

...maybe God really does look at the heart. my prayer request was not honoured. but the actual request in my heart was...go figure!

careful!

so there is an old saying, "be careful what you wish for," where wish = pray/ask/hope/etc. how TRUE that is!

i prayed, in earnest might i add, about something this morning and DARN if God didn't come through. now, at the time i meant it. and in all honesty what i prayed for is in my best interest. but now that some time has passed and i have had a chance to marinate on my thoughts and feelings, i wish i could take it back. but does God even allow takesies-backsies? so far the answer is, "heavens, no!"

so now, i must make peace with my prayer and the answer that God has swiftly given me on it (funny how other things seem to take so much time...but then again, i was probably asking amiss...okay, Holy Spirit, i get it!).

being a Christian is the hardest thing i've had to do in my life. being a good one is, anyway. it's easy to be self-righteous, isn't it? thank God for His mercy and His love or i would not have made it thus far.

for future reference, however, i will make sure i really want something before praying about it.

exhausted

here i sit in my office, on hold with my student loan people so that i can make a payment (it is due today, yipes!) and i am EXHAUSTED. i have had a trial every day since last thursday. the results are as follows:

thursday - jury trial; sat second chair with another attorney; GAC (guilty as charged).
friday - nonjury trial; first chair; NG (not guilty)
monday - nonjury trial; first chair; NG
tuesday - jury trial; sat second chair with another attorney; NG
wednesday - nonjury trial; first chair; hoping for a JOA (judgment of acquittal)

so i have been going nonstop. somewhere in the middle there father's day happened and i was a busy little bee that day, seeing as how i was the moderator/organizer for the service. so God knows that i am exhausted. but no rest for the weary.

and for the record, i have not run since saturday...two weeks ago. so lazy. no comments necessary.

anyways, that's the update. just wanted to let my faithful readers know that i have not fallen off the face of the earth. i'm alive and well (depending on when you ask me).

Go HEAT!!

official apology

dear faithful readers,

i do sincerely apologize for subjecting you to today's previous posts. it seems that depressed woman's cousin "having a bad day" lady is visiting from out of town and depressed woman convinced her to post lyrics. however, as the author of this blog and several of the other perspectives happen to be fans of the indigo girls, the lyrics will remain. please be advised that "having a bad day" lady will be returning to her hometown today and depressed woman has once again been sedated and put down for a nap.

happy reading!

~haydn rhys

and this is for "certain someone"...

...the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across with just five steps down
i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
and this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown.

there's not enough room in this world for my pain
signals cross
love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
that of all my demon spirits i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost

armed and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a rush
(don't tell a soul)
when i awake the things i dreamt about you last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul)
you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i'll follow you to the river
and you play my memory like a piper
and i feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
yet i walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
against the edge of sanity, i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost

now i see your face before me that could launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles with you always at my heels

and the bitter pill i've swallowed is the silence that i keep
it poisons me
i can't swim or breathe
the river is too deep
and though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse at most
i'm in love with your ghost

--indigo girls (adapted)

for all of my girls...

love will come to you...

guess [i'm not] the best one to ask
me, myself, with my face pressed up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never can afford.

the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil
for peace
the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predator of pain inside her.

and i say, love will come to you
hoping just because i [speak] the words that they're true
as if i've [got some] crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two.

i was born under the sign of cancer
(love will come to you)
like brushing cloth i smoothe the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come to you)
i'm always closing my eyes and wishing i'm fine
even though i'm not this time

but i say, love will come to you
hoping just because i [speak] the words that they're true
as if i've [got some] crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two

dodging the years and fears [of being]
always on the outside looking in on others' lives

i say, love will come to you
hoping just because i [speak] the words that they're true
as if i've [got some] a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one, there will be two

and i wish for [us] insight to battle love's blindness,
strength from the milk of human kindness,
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
so [we] can [all] learn to pretend there's more than love that matters.

--indigo girls (adapted)

the heart wants what it wants...

a good friend of mine recently asked if you should wait for someone you love, but who is--whether by choice or circumstance-- unavailable or should you go after the one you may not like as much but who is ever-present. though not one of the mentioned options, i choose neither!

i am currently in love with someone who is by choice AND circumstance unavailable. and there are a couple of people who are willing to walk by my side if i just give them some indication that i am willing to allow them to do so. that is NOT what i want, however. so it is with much childish stubbornness that i, like yvonne elliman before me, declare, "if i can't have you, i don't want nobody, baby!" my heart wants what it wants...and it is really just that simple.

i would never do anything drastic to ensure that "certain someone's" choices and circumstances change to make room for me in his life. that's not what i am saying at all. what i mean to say is that, at this point, there is a reason that my heart wants him to the exclusion of all others. and i will honour that. i am not going to waste time with people that i do not want to be with just because i cannot be with the one i want. that does not make sense to me, though it might work for others.

and trust me, i do know (cerebrally and cognitively) that certain someone is not right for me. but until i change what i want (and by extension, what my heart wants) i will not entertain anyone else. i guess the million dollar question is: how do i change what i want?

well, i guess that is in part why i am in fasting today (changed from wednesdays to tuesdays). i hope that through my sacrifice, God will show me what i should want and then transform my heart and renew my mind until i line up with His perfect (not just permissive) will.

until then, my heart will continue to want what, er who, it wants...

meanwhile at target...

...i was shopping the other night (and i CANNOT BELIEVE that i did not blog about this before!) and was looking at the clearance rack (because, frankly, i'm a public defender and my daddy is a janitor, er, custodial engineer). i saw a cute t-shirt for $2.24 and thought, i HAVE to buy this. next to me a woman held up a slinky, cute black dress with a sash for a belt.

she showed me the dress and asked if i liked it. i responded that i did and she looked at the rack again and said, "they have one here in small. do you want it?"

immediately, "fat woman" perspective in my mind SCREAMED, "WHO ME? A SMALL?"

i had only one option: buy the dress. i mean, the only other "small" thing i have been offered is fries.

that made my night. the next morning, i wore the dress to court with a black blazer and was complimented a million times over...

then "certain someone" saw me...and but for the grace of God, it might have been all over....

yay!

oh! and another thing....

...so my dad is really pushing for me to get married. he won't say it outright, but his hints have recently begun to abandon subtlety. now from previous posts, i am sure that you have gathered that i am not wholly averse to the idea of being married. quite to the contrary i embrace it whole-heartedly. i know what i want in a husband and have already named my son and his siblings.

the problem that i am having is that no one seems to be interested in marrying me (well, certain someone does, but he doesn't count). am i upset by that? hmmm...not really. i'd rather be by myself than with someone that is going to be toxic (certain someone notwithstanding). so i wait...and hopefully not sadly. just a quiet wait...

...and maybe someday soon, i can give my father some good news before he starts carrying around a bullhorn and advertising me to every single straight male he meets.

the get it together month

okay, so it has been established that this is the manifest year. we are believing God that He will manifest those things in our life that we trusted Him for last year. well, recently one of the Fod Squad members announced that june would be the "get it together" month. we are halfway through the year and manifestations are not as forthcoming as we would have hoped. so it is time to get it together.

i agree. too many things in my life are spiraling out of my control and it is time that i start addressing them one by one.

1. certain someone - i am getting you out of my system, colonic style (as suggested by another God Squad member), but with less mess...you mean the world to me, but we are not meant to be and so that is that. end of the road buddy (or at least this section of the road).

2. Christian walk - get it together, haydn rhys. you have been saved for YEARS now...you should be a more mature Christian than you are. read more, pray more and spend more time in communion with God.

3. everything else - i feel like all of the other areas of my life will begin to align themselves once the first two are properly addressed.

the get it together month is serious. i am halfway to 29, now. and 30 will be here before i know it. some things will be a-changing!

y'all pray for me!