work schedules....

fyi: i am starting to type up this post, but i have no title...

so this morning, i got to work and my division chief asked me what i'd been up to. i told her that i had to take my sister somewhere and she told me that i needed to be in the office at 9:00 a.m. everyday, especially since we have a class of new attorneys starting in a few days. she didn't want me "shaving my hours." i was so angry with her that i did not respond. SHAVING MY HOURS?! i mean, really. first of all, i was never given a schedule or a set time to be at work. and let's not even discuss the fact that i wasn't extremely late (9:45 a.m.) and that yesterday when i got to work just before 9:00, i stayed until 7:00 pm. i thought the whole point of being a professional, salaried person was to do the work and get the job done. why does it matter what time i get here or when i leave if at the end of the day the work is done and done well?

i mean, not to toot my own horn, but i only ever hear about how well i write and how appeals is right up my alley...so okay, one day i got to work kinda late. i have a valid excuse and since i don't get overtime pay, and i worked late last night, why not come in a few minutes later today?

so...the solution to this little asunto* is for me to make sure i am here at 9 a.m. mon-fri. no more 7:45 and 8:15 arrival times...i wouldn't want her to tell me that i am coming in too early. (you can't see me now, but i am shaking my head at the absurdity of my chief's comments).

needless to say, i contacted another firm about a job today...i'll keep you posted...

ooo! i just thought of a title...

*spanish for problematic situation. it's the first word that came to mind when i was typing...i'm a former spanish major, sue me!

threatdown

i am a HUGE fan of the colbert report on comedy central. i didn't like it at first, but stephen colbert won me over with his craziness...one of my favourite features on his show is the threatdown. usually the number one threat to americans is bears...don't ask, just watch the show (mon. - thurs. at 11:30 pm). anyway, the concept of the threatdown got me to thinking. what is the biggest threat to me?

me.

i am my own worst enemy. i am the one who is the most critical of myself. i am the one with the overly pessimistic imagination, able to turn an ordinary comment into a harsh criticism and almost unbearable insult at will.

shakespeare, in hamlet, wrote, "there is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so." well, i have the uncanny ability to "negativize" everything, plunging me into an abysmal depression without a moment's notice. it's sad. when and how did i become this way? i have no idea.

but what i need to do is build a bridge and get over it (a thought i heard in a sermon this past sunday). there is no need for me to wallow in the mire of self-pity. no, i may not be where i want to be in life, but instead of sighing, "woe is me!" why not do something about it? change what i can and don't worry about what i can't.

hmmm...well, every one needs a kick in the pants every now and again...

doubling up

initially, i had just wanted to keep this a daily thing. each day, pick a topic and then write...but i have something else to say today...

i am sitting in my office and it is quiet now. almost everyone has gone home. in fact, i just watched as my division chief got in her car and backed out of the parking lot. and all i want to do is cry.

i am SO lonely. i have a wonderful family and amazing friends and a healthy christian life, but none of that seems to matter right now. all i want to do is cease to exist. everyday i struggle with the thought that i have not left a lasting impression on anyone and that if i should die, my absence would only vaguely register to the people around me.

i don't want to be thought of as one of those desperate women who get to a certain age and realize that they have no husband and no kids and feel like a failure because of it. yet, that's the road i'm on and i don't know how to get off. i don't know how to avoid what seems to be inevitable.

so i have a series of highs and lows. case in point, my earlier post. i just mood swing back and forth all day. and they are getting worse. i used to be able to have swings that lasted a few days...now my mood can change so quickly that i can't even pinpoint what triggered the shift.

this past sunday, i was at church getting ready to sing with the choir. when i arrived i was in high spirits. i'd had an impressive run that morning and still made it to church early (not "in the nick of time" which seems to be my m.o.). then quicker than i realized, i was in tears. i had to leave the choir so that no one would see me crying and ask what was wrong. i wouldn't have been able to explain it anyway...

unfortuntely, i ran into my pastor's wife. she's a wonderful lady. but she saw me crying and i had no explanation for her. she lovingly wrapped her arms around me and assured me that everything would be okay. i wanted to believe her...but how do you explain being a christian and understanding the love of God and still being depressed?

so i did the only thing i could do. i sucked it up and rejoined the choir and tried my hardest to enjoy the service.

how much longer do i have to live like this? how much longer can i?

greatness

on the way into the office this morning, i was listening to nonsense on the radio and reflecting on the mistakes i made yesterday...there i was pitying myself and wondering if i would ever be able to do better and be better than i am.

some crazy song came on the radio and i switched to the christian station. this is a perfect time to note that i RARELY do this. any christian music i listen to is usually on cd because i vehemently object to christian radio...but anyway, as soon as i switched i heard chris tomlin's "how great is our God." then instead of reflecting on my weaknesses and imperfections, i started to think of the greatness of God.

He is truly awesome. and to think this great God calls me His friend inspite of my weaknesses and imperfections. it's all so overwhelming. more than i can really take.

how great is our God!

the christian path

i met a woman in law school who told me that i was a christian christian. i laughed at the phrasing, but i don't think i really know what she meant until today.

i fast on wednesdays. it's the least i can do. i take one day and try to be holy during that day and go to God about the things in my life that need to be changed. sometimes fasting ends up being the best thing that i could have done with that day...but sometimes it ends in monumental failure.

this morning i started the day, hoping for success...needing it really. as usual, i began my morning prayers with thankfulness to God for His mercy and favour and then something occurred to me that i needed to pray about.

at first i did NOT want to, but the thought was insistent. almost like not praying about it would plague me for the rest of the day. i did not want that, but on the other hand there wasn't one part of me that really wanted to pray in earnest about the situation.

at that point, i made a decision that the human side of me did not like. i remembered the Word and how we are to die daily...well, a huge part of me died this morning. i prayed about the situation and i prayed sincerely. and most importantly, i feel like God heard and is honouring my prayer request.

what will it mean for me? i don't know. probably a lot of heartache and depressed posts in the near future...but overall, it means that i am a christian christian.

sometimes, we have to make decisions to do or say things that cut completely against our human nature...but that is what the christian path is all about.

take my heart and form it. take my mind transform it. take my will conform it, to Yours...to Yours, oh Lord.

Why

i'm not really sure why i am starting this blog. a friend of mine started one and i thought it would be a good idea for me to have some place to put my feelings and opinions...a place where others could potentially see it, but not necessarily, if that makes sense...

i know what i want to talk about here, but it's so private and could potentially affect so many lives, that i can't get into specifics. oh well...this is just my first blog entry. i'll see where this goes from here.