doubling up
initially, i had just wanted to keep this a daily thing. each day, pick a topic and then write...but i have something else to say today...
i am sitting in my office and it is quiet now. almost everyone has gone home. in fact, i just watched as my division chief got in her car and backed out of the parking lot. and all i want to do is cry.
i am SO lonely. i have a wonderful family and amazing friends and a healthy christian life, but none of that seems to matter right now. all i want to do is cease to exist. everyday i struggle with the thought that i have not left a lasting impression on anyone and that if i should die, my absence would only vaguely register to the people around me.
i don't want to be thought of as one of those desperate women who get to a certain age and realize that they have no husband and no kids and feel like a failure because of it. yet, that's the road i'm on and i don't know how to get off. i don't know how to avoid what seems to be inevitable.
so i have a series of highs and lows. case in point, my earlier post. i just mood swing back and forth all day. and they are getting worse. i used to be able to have swings that lasted a few days...now my mood can change so quickly that i can't even pinpoint what triggered the shift.
this past sunday, i was at church getting ready to sing with the choir. when i arrived i was in high spirits. i'd had an impressive run that morning and still made it to church early (not "in the nick of time" which seems to be my m.o.). then quicker than i realized, i was in tears. i had to leave the choir so that no one would see me crying and ask what was wrong. i wouldn't have been able to explain it anyway...
unfortuntely, i ran into my pastor's wife. she's a wonderful lady. but she saw me crying and i had no explanation for her. she lovingly wrapped her arms around me and assured me that everything would be okay. i wanted to believe her...but how do you explain being a christian and understanding the love of God and still being depressed?
so i did the only thing i could do. i sucked it up and rejoined the choir and tried my hardest to enjoy the service.
how much longer do i have to live like this? how much longer can i?
i am sitting in my office and it is quiet now. almost everyone has gone home. in fact, i just watched as my division chief got in her car and backed out of the parking lot. and all i want to do is cry.
i am SO lonely. i have a wonderful family and amazing friends and a healthy christian life, but none of that seems to matter right now. all i want to do is cease to exist. everyday i struggle with the thought that i have not left a lasting impression on anyone and that if i should die, my absence would only vaguely register to the people around me.
i don't want to be thought of as one of those desperate women who get to a certain age and realize that they have no husband and no kids and feel like a failure because of it. yet, that's the road i'm on and i don't know how to get off. i don't know how to avoid what seems to be inevitable.
so i have a series of highs and lows. case in point, my earlier post. i just mood swing back and forth all day. and they are getting worse. i used to be able to have swings that lasted a few days...now my mood can change so quickly that i can't even pinpoint what triggered the shift.
this past sunday, i was at church getting ready to sing with the choir. when i arrived i was in high spirits. i'd had an impressive run that morning and still made it to church early (not "in the nick of time" which seems to be my m.o.). then quicker than i realized, i was in tears. i had to leave the choir so that no one would see me crying and ask what was wrong. i wouldn't have been able to explain it anyway...
unfortuntely, i ran into my pastor's wife. she's a wonderful lady. but she saw me crying and i had no explanation for her. she lovingly wrapped her arms around me and assured me that everything would be okay. i wanted to believe her...but how do you explain being a christian and understanding the love of God and still being depressed?
so i did the only thing i could do. i sucked it up and rejoined the choir and tried my hardest to enjoy the service.
how much longer do i have to live like this? how much longer can i?
posted by Haydn Rhys | 5:42 PM
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