depressed woman LIVE in concert...one day only!!

author's note: since she was really insistent, i decided to let depressed woman come back and make one last appearance. what you are about to read is her views and opinions and do not necessarily reflect those of the author of this blog (or the other contributing "perspectives").

today is one of those days when i completely hate my life. i see absolutely no good in it. and although i know for a fact that is not true, that is the feeling i am left with. nothing good can come of me. and all of my efforts are in vain. i am terrible at my job. i cannot find a decent man and i'm broke. i have no friends in the vicinity, so i spend most of my days pretending to be someone i'm not because the people who know who i am (who know me best) are hundreds of miles away or, if close in proximity, are toxic and i should not allow them to be a part of my life.

and i know that i have family that cares about me. i do know that. but because they "have" to care about me, their love is sometimes (unfortunately) easily dismissed.

i'm not going to cry, though. i'm just going to allow myself to have this bad day and pray that i will have a good one in the near future.

p.s. i miss you, "certain someone."

epiphany?

so i was sitting across from a client today and listening to him ramble on about the events in the world that led up to his unfortunate incarceration and i realized that i absolutely love my job! i love it!! i like feeling like i'm helping people. i like feeling like what i am doing is making a difference in their lives. it makes me feel like i am leaving my mark on this earth in some significant (if not far-reaching) way.

problem is: i DON'T like my pay. and i DON'T like my caseload. there is entirely too much to be done to properly help the people that really need my help. and the pay?! forget about it. i might as well pay them to work (note: it is so bad that i am actually considering giving blood next week in order to get the $10 publix gift card they are offering. how sad is that?!).

anyways, i finally understood why i really went to law school and why i really became an attorney and why God put me in the place where i am. i am meant to touch the lives that i touch and do the things that i do...

...but can i sistah get a little mo' cheddah, pleez?!

the dobson syndrome

i was in hallmark today and i was looking for a card to buy for my mother. and a lot of the cards that were supposed to be from daughters did not say quite what i wanted to say to my mother. a lot of the cards were about how the daughter wanted to be just like the mother when she grew up or got older or aged (or however you want to word it). i could not buy any of those cards because, truth be told, i do no want to be like my mother.

i know that may sound harsh, but it's true. don't get me wrong. i love my mother. love her to no discernible end, but i do not want to be like her. the majority of the members of my family walk on eggshells around her trying to please her (an impossibility) or at the very least trying to not to piss her off (a sheer certainty). it is hell trying to make sure that you do not do (or fail to do) the one thing that will send her over the edge.

the sad part about it is that while i do not want to be my mother, i already am. i have been told my numerous people that they don't know what is going to set off my mood from day to day. and that i seem to have a jekyll/hyde thing going on. that may be true. and if it is, then it is simply because i am a product of the women in my family.

the dobson syndrome, i call it. that thing that develops from a mutated miserable, irritable gene. what can i do? it's like it's embedded in my DNA to be this way.

so sadly, i do not want to be like my mother. i want to be more patient, more positive, more optimistic, more nurturing...not that she wasn't all of those things, but i want to be more.

does that make me a horrible person? daughter?

so why...

...is my client trying to mack me?!

not guilty

on a two count information. not bad for my first trial, right? thanks be to God!

work...

...so it is saturday at 5:30 in the evening and i am in my office....actually working. i have a brief that is due on monday and i am trying to get it finished. i don't want to do this. i want to be done with all of this foolishness for now...you know, if it's all the same to my employers...

...you know what? i'm going to be positive. i spoke with certain someone a few minutes ago to wish him a happy anniversary (we met three years ago) and he was like, oh ok. i was so hurt, i just hung up the phone and went back to work. i mean, what the hell, right? so i think that is what sort of changed my mood today. and i HATE that i let him affect me like that. (besides, "depressed woman" is supposed to be banned from posting).

i have a trial on tuesday. domestic battery. i don't want to try the case, although i think it's a good one. sigh. i must work. i have an obligation to work.

for now, i think i'll work on being more positive. but what i really want to do is eat an entire pizza and wash it down with a vat of sprite and top it all off with a trough of ice cream. now, tell me...how insane is that?!

been gone a while...

...i know that it has been a while since i have posted, but wanted to let everyone know that all is well.

i have been moved from appellate heaven to the seventh circle of trial division hell: domestic battery.

more later....