white girl trapped in black woman's body?

just about all my life, i have been told that i acted white, or talked white or worse yet was white. now, while there is absolutely nothing wrong with being white, it is not the easiest thing for me to accept being born a black female to black parents on a predominantly black island.

ever since i was little, i LOVED to read. i do not remember at what age i started reading. i just know that i could not get enough of books growing up. i am still that way now (to a lesser extent, though). but my love for books helped shape who i am today. while reading, i became familiar with different phrasing and vernacular and manners of speaking than what i was used to hearing in my environment. in school (like everyone else), i was taught proper grammar. at home, my parents stressed it. enunciation and grammar were a must in my household. it became the norm, rather than the exception.

my love for reading and words and phrases was extended to music. i began to listen to songs for their lyrics and not just for the beat. because of my love for the written word and unusual turns of phrase, i gravitated towards lyricists like the indigo girls and other indie, folksy groups because of the way they expressed exactly what i was feeling in a poetic way (e.g. when i was obsessed with a guy: "oh you set up your place in my thoughts, moved in and made my thinking crowded." or when i wanted to make a relationship work: "nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal, so to let this love survive would be the greatest gift that we could give."). sure, the artists were white, but i like what i like.

in high school, i was in a magnet program. most of the kids in the program were white and i was accused of being a house negro (the mild form) because i was in the program, striving to make good grades and to better myself overall.

now, i'm an adult and i still cannot get away from it. one friend told me that i am a "zip-off" black woman. i guess that means that in the morning before i leave my house, i put on my "black woman" suit, zip it up and leave for the day. then i get back home and zip it off. another friend recently told me that perhaps i should consider dating white guys because i'm not the blackest black woman in the world. even "certain someone" has told me time and again that i will marry a white man because i am not black enough for a black man to want me.

and as much as i express to people how much those comments hurt me (not that there's anything wrong with white people), my friends and loved ones just won't stop. why can't black people have more than one opinion? why can't black people like more than one kind of music? why can't black people speak proper english and not be accused of "talking white"?

the sad thing is that no matter what my black people think of me, in the eyes of a racist, i am still a n------. the fact that i love shakespeare, can quote indigo girls songs and default to the queen's english doesn't mean much because the colour of my skin won't change. i will always just be a black girl in eyes of white people...

but i don't really like r&b and i thought the latest madea movie was just "ok" and i almost never let my participles dangle, so, of course, off with my head. i can't possibly be black.

why i care what people think is a mystery to me. but i do. so i'm near tears because i won't ever be "black" enough for the most important people in my life to accept me. they will always see me as a white girl trapped in a black woman's body...