oh...uh uh! no he didn't...

...said the enraged fat girl in my head. a guy that i met about ten months ago when i started working (a secretary in my office) has decided to ask me out.

now.

10 months and 65 pounds later and lighter.

and i was so caught off guard, i accepted and even gave him a time. i'm going to have to flake on him, of course (oh please! like you didn't know that...).

what enrages me is that he never said anything about me looking good 10 months ago. and who knows? maybe 10 months ago i would have readily gone out with him, but now? his shallowness and overwhelming concentration on the superficial is so apparent that just now, even thinking about it make me want to puke or punch him or some combination of the two. i mean, what the hell? doesn't he think that i know that all of his intentions now are peurile at best. he's obviously not looking for something of substance with me because i have only externally changed (at least in his perception) in the last 10 months. that's it. end of story.

and i'm mad at me for accepting because now i have to think like mad to come up with some excuse that might work to get me out of this unfortunate date that i have unwittingly set up...okay, so maybe not unwittingly, but certainly not freely and voluntarily...

"certain someone," for all of his faults--of which they are many, as numerous as the sand--loved me at size 18 and loves me now at 6/8. "certain someone" saw the me beyond the exterior AND (more importantly) "certain someone" was attracted to the then exterior (of course, he likes the now exterior better, but i'm AMAZING now, can you blame him?).

an uncommonly wise young attorney has advised me that perhaps i should give the guys who are attracted to me now (as opposed to ten months ago) a break because perhaps the confidence that i exude now at size 6/8 was not quite as apparent at size 18. and while i certainly understand "uncommonly wise young attorney's" point, i feel that i don't look that drastically different. size-wise, yes definitely. but my proportions are the same. and my face certainly is as well. as for my confidence level, i don't think i was ever self-deprecating and wallflowerish around "legal secretary," so there is no reason now for confidence to make a big difference.

in the grand scheme of things, it should not matter. "legal secretary" and i are not going to get married, we are not going to get physical, we're not even having a meal together. we're going to see a movie. i guess i can go. i suppose the real problem is that i wish it was "certain someone" taking me to the movies and not "legal secretary."

hmmm...maybe, agrees "enraged fat girl", but "legal secretary" is still wrong for what he did!

a letter to my son

dear haydn-rhys (my son, not the author),

i love you with all my heart. you do not exist in this reality yet, but you exist very clearly in my heart. there is nothing that i wouldn't do for you and no lengths that i would not go to protect you and provide for you. you are the product of my love for your father and a constant reminder of it. you embody all that is perfection in this world. you have been ordained by God for a special purpose in this world and i promise to do everything in my power to help you fulfill your purpose.

wherever you are now, know that mommy loves you and is patiently awaiting your arrival.

with all my heart,
haydnrhys (author, not son)

shocking news

recently, i was confronted with a very stark, harsh reality: i want sex. (to all of the church people that may be reading this while currently suffering heart failure, i sincerely apologize for the bluntness of that declaration. take a deep breath and count backwards from ten to one. if that does not help, call 911 or find someone to do that for you.) i REALLY do. (and by the way, if you randomly clicked onto my blog and are reading this, please do not think that this means that i am willing to give it up to the next man who comes along).

it has been on my mind now for quite some time. i go to sleep thinking about being caressed by the loving arms of a man, my man (certain someone?). and i dream about the wonderful act of making love to him and him to me in a perfect rhythm that can only be achieved when there is complete harmony one with the other. and i awake knowing that it did not happen and thus deepening my desire.

the feeling abates...sometimes. especially when i am preoccupied with court or something substantial. but that only lasts a while.

i am longing for something, someone...and the older i get the more frequent these longings come and the longer they stick around...soon i'll be in heat 24/7...that would please some man some day!